When someone tells me “no” my first reaction is to get all up in my feelings. Yep, I feel disappointed, butt-hurt and wonder “How could they possibly say “no” to ME!?” And then I do the psychological dance in my head which looks like a technicolor play-by-play of our most recent interactions to understand what I could’ve done to elicit a “no”. It’s crazy how a simple “no” can feel like a personal attack that sends me spiraling.

I wouldn’t say it it’s easy to say “no” but it’s definitely getting easier. After decades of people-pleasing I’m finally less concerned about disappointing others than I am about disappointing myself. The heavy feelings of resentment and regret are no longer worth saying “yes” to things that aren’t in alignment with my spirit.  But I was raised to put everyone else first. My religion taught me that the very definition of JOY is “Jehovah. Others. You”. In that order! I was coerced into believing that my wants, needs, goals and desires were selfish.

Ending the year with a bang looks like reflecting on 2022 and finding gratitude even though it’s been a tough one. I feel like I’ve been living in limbo-land just waiting for some miraculous shift to happen instead of pulling up my big girl panties and creating what I want next out of life. So it’s about feeling grounded in my purpose and way more intentional about my choices; while still being open to possibility and unexpected opportunity.

The upcoming holiday season makes me feel a mix of sadness, loneliness and even anger. I mean, the holidays themselves are no big deal to me. But I’m already experiencing the anticipatory grief of feeling disconnected from my family and the family traditions I never really had. 

Holiday celebrations came to a screeching halt for me when I was about six, because my mom got swept up in a cult that believed holidays were pagan and not to be celebrated.

Learning a new skill makes me feel both anxious and excited. Like, am I about to discover a latent superpower or my kryptonite? Either way, if it’s movement related, I’ma go for it! In fact, the more impossible something looks and feels, the more I’m determined to figure it out. Now, I’m not as reckless with my body as I used to be. Age and injury have humbled my aspirations a bit.

Before the end of ‘22 I’d like to start learning Aerial Hoop aka Lyra. This new, artistic journey has been in my heart for years and on the calendar for weeks. It was supposed to begin today. I woke up at an ungodly hour for a Sunday and braved the NYC subway system which defied me with delays and re-routed trains. Typical weekend shit. I ended up arriving too late for them to admit me into class. Understood. So I spent the next hour commuting back to Brooklyn feeling defeated; to which I drowned my disappointment in gluten free banana pancakes smothered in strawberries and Vermont maple syrup.