Dear Inner-Critic… you are a bold faced liar. I’ve proven you wrong time and time again and yet you persist. It’s as if you want me to fail, settle for mediocrity, and live a life that’s just “meh”. Not happening! The crazy thing is, the more you insist upon belittling me and telling me I’m “not ________ enough” the more rooted in my truth I become. I know my worth and I’ve got practice with self-advocacy. I’ve been fighting for myself since I was a kid who wanted nothing more than to live my life as authentically as possible and on my own terms.

When I’m stressed or anxious I tend toward sleepless nights with my mind stammering from one topic to the next. Nothing but incoherent babble interrupted by spontaneous bursts of creativity or insight that I scribble feverishly in my journal or the notes app of my iPhone. But when the wee hours hit & my eyelids refuse to get heavy, I binge-watch House Hunters International and fantasize about a new life under an entirely new identity. ⠀

Worry sometimes graduates to anxiety which feels like a raging fire pit in my belly and a cacophony between my ears. It’s constant. It reminds me of the raw nerves I used to feel before performances. Like how it felt after barely rehearsing a new solo aerial act and performing in front of a big audience with high expectations. Before I felt ready.  Before I felt worthy of having all eyes on me.

Right now I’m worried about adult shit. Like, how to survive white male patriarchy and the ominous possibility of living in a dystopian society. And then there’s the day-to-day worries of being a chronically single, Black woman solopreneur living in NYC during a tenuous economy. Also, the world is on fire! Literally. This is the stuff that makes me prone to anxiety and insomnia. But somehow, I remain the positive, pro-active, glass half-full kinda chick that believes in possibility as if it were my religion.

Summer weather makes me feel like I’m ready to come out of hibernation and live my best life. It makes this introvert wanna be social, explore the city, meet new people and have new experiences. And if I could, I’d spend the majority of my day outside; stationing myself under a tree in Fort Greene park to teach Pilates on Zoom. In between sessions I’d indulge in one of my favorite hobbies; people-watching while making up their backstories. Or revisiting my urge to spin poi again. 

My Summer goals are a combo of business and pleasure. I guess I’m always trying to balance the two. But I’m definitely taking advantage of these slower months to plan, strategize and create for Q4 & Q1. I’m finally embracing the fact that this hybrid business model of teaching virtually and in-studio is here to stay. And I’m actually kinda amped about it even though the learning curve for implementing digital systems and creating digital marketing strategies makes me wanna pull my curls out. In the end, it’s absolutely worth it.