When I’m stressed or anxious I tend toward sleepless nights with my mind stammering from one topic to the next. Nothing but incoherent babble interrupted by spontaneous bursts of creativity or insight that I scribble feverishly in my journal or the notes app of my iPhone. But when the wee hours hit & my eyelids refuse to get heavy, I binge-watch House Hunters International and fantasize about a new life under an entirely new identity. ⠀

Worry sometimes graduates to anxiety which feels like a raging fire pit in my belly and a cacophony between my ears. It’s constant. It reminds me of the raw nerves I used to feel before performances. Like how it felt after barely rehearsing a new solo aerial act and performing in front of a big audience with high expectations. Before I felt ready.  Before I felt worthy of having all eyes on me.

Right now I’m worried about adult shit. Like, how to survive white male patriarchy and the ominous possibility of living in a dystopian society. And then there’s the day-to-day worries of being a chronically single, Black woman solopreneur living in NYC during a tenuous economy. Also, the world is on fire! Literally. This is the stuff that makes me prone to anxiety and insomnia. But somehow, I remain the positive, pro-active, glass half-full kinda chick that believes in possibility as if it were my religion.

A birds-eye view of my life would indicate that I only care about work and Pilates. And I just so happen to teach Pilates for a living, so my life appears to be rather monotone and unbalanced. It is. Thank god I love teaching, studying, and practicing the Method! But my other interests got squeezed out by Covid shutdowns, my relentless work schedule, and – the real culprit – anxiety. Once my personal and professional life became confined to my NYC apartment, my spirit simply shut down and I went into survival mode. So in 2022 I plan to pursue some of my former passions, because I know I deserve to live more than just this abbreviated version of myself.

In 6 months I want to feel more… INNER-PEACE. I’ve started cultivating this for myself already, but I definitely foresee the journey ahead. The last couple of years have stirred up so much anxiety that my insides are constantly vibrating with nervous energy. It’s the same kinda nerves I used to get when performing a solo aerial act in an Off-Broadway show. No biggie. Just the element of danger and five hundred pair of eyes – all on me – in the spotlight! This perfectionist dreads the spotlight and my “inner-nuisance” knows it. And so she’d taunt me.