Something I’ve neglected this year is that I’m first and foremost an artist. Well, this has honestly been an ongoing dilemma since my performing career ended but it’s become worse post-Covid. I can’t seem to find my way back to my former self. It’s been a real struggle to integrate my old life with my new one. I still haven’t figured out how to exist in this second career as a self-employed, full-time Pilates teacher while still nurturing the artist and performer in me. There’s a void where my inner-artist used to feel comfort at a soul level. I desperately miss creative collaboration. And I miss the process of merging great minds and talent to tell stories within the heightened atmosphere of physical theater. The kind of stories that dive deeply into the human experience in ways that have a visceral impact on audiences. That incite critical thinking and self-reflection. Yeah, I miss that. And I haven’t figured out how to recreate that in my life or how to accept that an era is over.
Perhaps that’s why I immerse myself in Pilates so deeply. With all the private lessons, group classes and self-practice I do, it’s kinda like being in rehearsal all the time. My practice appeals to my need for constant exploration into the same “choreography” to find deeper meaning and context. And to ultimately embody it to the extent that I can get lost in each movement. At least, that’s the goal. And yet it’s devoid of the emotion and storytelling that I crave.
And so tomorrow, I’m boldly embarking on a journey back to self. My artist self. It’ll be new and different. And it might not ever replace the inner-satisfaction I got from my performing career. But I’ll finally be honoring my soul’s needs instead of pretending I’m a whole person without artistic expression.