Even through my anxiety, one thing I’ve gotten better at this year is trusting myself & the timing of my life. Because one day I can feel like a rockstar; owning my power and living my truth. And the next day I can feel like a hopeless shit-show. While this has been a challenging year for me, I actually don’t feel hopeless!
Right now I’m worried about adult shit. Like, how to survive white male patriarchy and the ominous possibility of living in a dystopian society. And then there’s the day-to-day worries of being a chronically single, Black woman solopreneur living in NYC during a tenuous economy. Also, the world is on fire! Literally. This is the stuff that makes me prone to anxiety and insomnia. But somehow, I remain the positive, pro-active, glass half-full kinda chick that believes in possibility as if it were my religion.
As much as I’ve always wanted to be a super-hero, I will love myself better by remembering that I am not, in fact, super-human. That I’m actually powered by rest, food, oxygen; water, a clean & healthy environment, touch; movement and personal space to recharge. When I maintain those power sources, I am capable of extraordinary things because I have energy, strength, emotional balance, and mental clarity. I’ve learned the hard way that caffeine and adrenaline aren’t lasting power sources.
Y’know what I want less of in my life? AGING! There, I said it. Oh, I want all fifty-one years of experience I’ve accumulated and the wisdom that comes from life lessons and the power of choice. And I ain’t givin’ up this feeling of sitting in my own skin, all comfy-lomfy; living boldly and audaciously with zero f**ks given. And I’ll never retreat to my former people-pleasing self, either. I’ma continue basking in all this vulnerability and authenticity; feelin’ like Maya Angelou “phenomenal woman, that’s me.”
What I want less of, though, is…